tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
