Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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