I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
