i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
