Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
