I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize