Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
