What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.