I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
