Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize