Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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