ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
