I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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