The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
