I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
