i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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