My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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