please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Randomize
