did you get engaged???
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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