I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm passing your future prison.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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