i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
