I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
