I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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