I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
