Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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