You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
