kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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