Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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