Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
