Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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