i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.