She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".