you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.