Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
