it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
