I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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