My liver just broke up with me...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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