my sisters under your porch take her home
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
