life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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