OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
