tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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