She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
