If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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