Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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