3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
