When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
