I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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