I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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