My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
