I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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