Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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