I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
