Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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