how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
