Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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