I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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