I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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