Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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