did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
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