Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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