why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
