He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
