She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
