Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
