my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
