I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
