Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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